Shop assistant "I'm sorry to keep you waiting."
Me "You haven't, there was no one else in the queue."
Shop assistant " Well, I'm sorry to keep you waiting."
Phil puts his bottle of beer on the counter to pay.
Shop assistant "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Is that everything?"
Me "Well yes, I would have brought other things to the counter if it wasn't."
Shop assistant "Would you like a carrier bag?"
Me "No, orange doesn't suit me but if you have a carrier pigeon I might give in and say yes."
Shop assistant "Pardon?"
Me "Just being witty. Being silly. Amusing. Look, can I just pay for this and go please?"
Shop assistant "Do you have a Nectar card?" (This is about the twentieth time he's asked me in three months.)
Me "No thank you. I did succumb once and kept getting phone calls from Sainsburys trying to sell me things over the phone because I was stupid enough not to tick the box that would have stopped marketing calls. "
Shop assistant "Did you read the Nectar Collector rules?"
Me "Probably not."
Shop assistant "It is important that you read the Nectar Collector rules and the small print."
Me (getting fractious and thirsty) "Well I couldn't read the Nectar Collector rules because the type is so ridiculously small that an ant with very strong glasses would give up trying! Also I work at a supermarket and get 10% discount and points. So why would I want a Nectar card?"
Shop assistant "Just doing my job Sir and you did apply for one Sir!"
Me " And I would JUST like to pay for my beer please."
Shop assistant " Do you need a carrier bag Sir?"
Me "What?" ( the polite 'pardons' have now flown out of the shop door.)
Shop assistant "Would you like one of our free carrier bags?"
Me "Here's £2.20 for the beer. No carrier bag."
Shop assistant "Would you like a receipt?"
Me (loosing it) " I tell you what I would bloody like! I would like you to stop asking me the same fecking robotic questions every time I come to this till. Look at me! Look at me and take a photo if you like. Middle aged man, balding, goatee beard, tired after a long day at work, wears a green coat and a grey hat, is usually polite and understanding, named Phil. Likes beer and wine and sometimes buys couscous. Quite a regular customer. Lives around the corner although he has never been in shopping in his pyjamas. Yet.
Got that? Good. Now, instead of 'Think 21' think 'nice guy, bit nutty' but I don't have to ask him if needs a Nectar card ALL THE TIME!!!!"
Shop assistant (hand poised over alarm bell) "Right. Sorry to have kept you waiting."
News Flash: The Sainsburys Local store in the village of Ruddington was attacked earlier today. A man carrying a giant home made replica Nectar card and wearing an orange carrier bag over his head was seen on CCTV footage viciously trying to demolish one of the tills. He was last seen running away screaming the phrase " I just wanted the bloody beer!!!"
PS: If you want an illuminating read check this book out.
Maybe we'll all be kinder to the check out men and women.